This isn’t a self-pity, “I stink” post. I hate those! When I say ‘myself’ I actually mean like, Agh! how do I say this?
Like if I were to be split into two people, And one was the bossy boss and the other was me. Does that make sense?
I doubt it.
Okay, I guess I mean my conscience. yes! That’s it! Okay start over!!
WHY I SOMETIMES HATE MY CONSCIENCE
Okay, I’m tough on myself. I have incredibly high standards.
1) SCHOOL. If I’m behind in even one subject by one day, I freak out. I have to be caught up. I have to be on schedule. I can’t understand the people who don’t do their work.
2) SPORTS. I set goals and must reach them. For example, if I go on an excruciating four-mile run after not running for two weeks, I still have to finish it completely. If I stop at three-and-a-half miles cause I can barely breather, once I catch my breath, I’ll be belittling myself. In my opinion, “Pain is temporary!” So, I gotta deal with the aching abs until my Garmin reads 4.00. Then, and ONLY then, can I stop. cause once I’ve recovered and taken my shower, I am super upset with myself if I didn’t complete the run.
3) I EXAGGERATE AND OVER-DRAMATIZE MY LIFE. What I mean by this is that if I have a paper due in two weeks, I freak out if I haven’t started yet. I get to thinking about my life: It can’t possibly get all done! Wrong. Every morning I think this and every night I go to bed with it all accomplished. Truthfully, I don’t have that much work.
4)IF IT’S NOT PERFECT, I GET FRUSTRATED. In this aspect, I’m a perfectionist. If I get a B on my test, it’s bad. if I only win two debate rounds, I rebuke myself for not trying harder. If I run my half-marathon in 2:11, I scold myself for not running faster to get a sub-2:10 time.
Really, Claire? You’ll never be perfect! It’s actually super stressful! I always have to do the best. Always have to win. Cause if I’m not first, I’ve failed. Not that I care about winning. Truly. Winning is FUN and I AM competitive but I don’t expect to beat everyone else…I just expect to beat myself. I am constantly competing with myself, pushing myself to the limit, pushing past the limit. Go, go go!
It’s like I have those super competitive parents who push their kids way too hard, except those parents are in my mind and I can’t run away from them when I go off to college!! They’ll still be there.
Always pushing me to be better. Never giving me a break.