Why I Sometimes Hate Myself


No.

This isn’t a self-pity, “I stink” post. I hate those! When I say ‘myself’ I actually mean like, Agh! how do I say this?

Like if I were to be split into two people, And one was the bossy boss and the other was me. Does that make sense?

I doubt it.

Okay, I guess I mean my conscience. yes! That’s it! Okay start over!!

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WHY I SOMETIMES HATE MY CONSCIENCE

Okay, I’m tough on myself. I have incredibly high standards.

1) SCHOOL. If I’m behind in even one subject by one day, I freak out. I have to be caught up. I have to be on schedule. I can’t understand the people who don’t do their work.

2) SPORTS. I set goals and must reach them. For example, if I go on an excruciating four-mile run after not running for two weeks, I still have to finish it completely. If I stop at three-and-a-half miles cause I can barely breather, once I catch my breath, I’ll be belittling myself. In my opinion, “Pain is temporary!” So, I gotta deal with the aching abs until my Garmin reads 4.00. Then, and ONLY then, can I stop. cause once I’ve recovered and taken my shower, I am super upset with myself if I didn’t complete the run.

3) I EXAGGERATE AND OVER-DRAMATIZE MY LIFE. What I mean by this is that if I have a paper due in two weeks, I freak out if I haven’t started yet. I get to thinking about my life: It can’t possibly get all done! Wrong. Every morning I think this and every night I go to bed with it all accomplished. Truthfully, I don’t have that much work.

4)IF IT’S NOT PERFECT, I GET FRUSTRATED. In this aspect, I’m a perfectionist. If I get a B on my test, it’s bad. if I only win two debate rounds, I rebuke myself for not trying harder. If I run my half-marathon in 2:11, I scold myself for not running faster to get a sub-2:10 time.

Really, Claire? You’ll never be perfect! It’s actually super stressful! I always have to do the best. Always have to win. Cause if I’m not first, I’ve failed. Not that I care about winning. Truly. Winning is FUN and I AM competitive but I don’t expect to beat everyone else…I just expect to beat myself. I am constantly competing with myself, pushing myself to the limit, pushing past the limit. Go, go go!

It’s like I have those super competitive parents who push their kids way too hard, except those parents are in my mind and I can’t run away from them when I go off to college!! They’ll still be there.

Always pushing me to be better. Never giving me a break.

 

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One thought on “Why I Sometimes Hate Myself

  1. the un perfectionistic parent says:

    It is the evil one who loves to steal the joy of our accomplishments.
    It is his voice that whispers, no, hisses, “not good enough”.
    Abba’s voice says, “Behold, it is good!” “well done, My good and faithful servant!” or, if necessary, “Child, come unto Me and I will equip you to do better next time.” Always gentle, always wise, always pleased with our feeble efforts, much as a delighted parent watching an eager toddler take some shaky steps.
    Unattainable goals/perfectionism are apt to be idols. Idols are NEVER satisfied – sort of like a video game that ALWAYS has another level higher to achieve…
    xx
    tmqtqm

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